Happy Birthday you

Dear Robert,

Happy Birthday. You are 18 now. It was nice knowing you. I would really like to be part of your 18^th birthday celebration but I guess I can’t. It’s nice to know we are in the same city, for now.

It’s been a year (or more) since we last saw each other. And we didn't really see each other last time. You didn't see me.

I have loved you since second grade and my feelings for you would never stop. I've liked you since forever and I can’t quite figure out why. I've waited for you to make the first move and talk to me, be my friend. We once were, but I left.

Back in school, I kept imagining you were around, you and your long hair. I would have been so happy if we saw each other and talked things through. I want to know exactly what you feel about me. I want to tell you that you are always in my mind. I wish we could be friends that talk to each other. Will that time ever come?

There is nothing for me to do except to stay strong and work hard to finish college. Maybe someday somehow I could find a way to forget you, go away from this city and find a new man.

Why is it that we always want what we cannot have? I know you can never be mine. You have dreams of becoming the next big director of television and I dream of working in a bank.

I am broken. shattered and bruised. I don’t know how you do it. It hurts that I have to be away from you on your birthday. Such a pity, now that we are in the same city and I can’t even be with you. Soon you  have to go back to college and leave me behind again. So sad we can’t be together… for now. So I just keep living and keep moving on, trying not to let my feelings show. Putting a mask on every day to everyone I meet. Acting like it’s okay. Keeping it up cuz life goes on right?

Happy birthday

p.s.

I just baked some cookies for you on your birthday. sweet hu?

too bad you aren't around to taste it :(

I saw you last night

To: code name Robert

I was listening to my brother talk nonsense when a white car drove into the hotel’s lobby. I remember the white car he had. Whenever I see a white car, I think of him. I wondered if it could be him inside. No, maybe not because a girl went out of the car. Followed by an adult looking guy in black clothes. The girl went in, then the guy turned and walked straight to where the party was. He came. He now had long hair. One side was poised upwards. A fixed stare. It was him. As he passed by, I just simply enjoyed watching him walk. I calmed down. It’s been a long time. Oh. Artista walk.  It was as if I was paralyzed into place. His longs legs… His face… or half of it… He turned and walked to where the party was… long hair…I enjoyed his presence and breathed in a sigh of relief. He came. But so late. I was at my car. We were going home. He couldn’t see me. If I went out it would be so awkward. Would he even talk to me? If I passed by, would he? What will he say this time? Just watching him walk is so astounding. Such a miracle. Such an amazing thing to witness.

We stayed at the car for a few more minutes. Oh no, what was I to do? I couldn’t just go in and ask for an explanation. Why did I feel this way about him? Why does he make me feel this way? As I waited for my brother while he was texting someone and “eating” a cupcake, I felt something inside of me. I was complete. Yes, he came! Yes, I saw him! This is incredible. Now we are in the same city. Now, what on earth am I going to do? Go home…

“Di pata mag adto, kuya?” (when are we going, brother?) hoping to just run away and leave him. His fault he couldn’t face me and he came in so late. What is his purpose for coming? Earlier, I heard his friend call him and tell him to come because it was already safe. “Ali na, she’s here”. I believe I waited for eternity, but finally after texting something, my brother moved the car handle and turned on the drive so we could start our trip home. As the car slowly went forward, I didn’t notice a guy came out of lobby, the car continued forward; he turned to his right. he was outside beside me and I was inside the car… and walked right past us, my back facing him, I turned to look at him walking right past us. The car turned to its right and on to the road. The guy continued walking and I thank my stars I got to see him again. I felt that our car was moving so slowly. As he walked I looked at him and absorbed everything I saw. He had long hair like an anime character. He was wearing black longsleeves. He had his black sling bag with him. He walked a straight walk. With confidence and purpose. Eyes ahead. His stare. He’s changed. He’s grown up…As the guy continued walking straight, he came to another white car, his car?, a pick up? he opened its door. I didn’t have the guts to say hi to him. I’m glad I saw him. Changes - what one year could bring.

The worst thing that could’ve happened at the party was you not showing up. But you did, though you were way too late. Why did you come after the party has ended? It was a pleasure seeing you pass by.